Do you believe that a higher power controls our fate or that we choose our own destinies?
Both, because we are both. Haha. Indeed there is a higher power that has set out to experience itself in many, many different facets. In a sense, we are all each individual rays of one light. As we grow we choose diffferent things at different moments and in different circumstances. There is a rythmic cycle to the chaos of consciousness evolution, so although we enjoy the ride and help shape the experience, the divine source that flows through it all is also the container of the All that Is. In this way, there is a higher consciousness guiding and directing the paths back to oneness. All is well and all is for learning the extraordinary power of love.
so i totally found out the scoop on emily today. apparently she prefers men and it hasn't really worked out with a couple of chicks in the past. all is well and i had a good laugh about it to myself after. i love my life, but man i am so ready to be in a relationship that i've misread some signals. why have i fallen for yet another straight/bi-ish girl? they run rampant up here! i guess i'm too intimidated by the hot dykes all around me. althought today i gave my number to an old classmate of mine- i think she's queer, but again, you can never tell with these humboldt hippy women!
fuck me. i didn't want to get attatched to anyone during this mercurry retrograde and damn it i have. i totally bonded with this lady on my field trip but things are so ambiguous, and like most always i think i've read too far into everything. today she was telling me she liked this guy but was really bad at reading people and didn't know if they liked her or if they were just friendly. i felt like it was totally out of left field, but i guess it's possible she likes someone else. maybe it's possible she was just trying to see what i would say. i didn't really say much. you didn't have to be a therapist to see i was upset. i realized today not once has she said anything about being bi, and her facebook has no details. fuck me, i'm in my mind/heart warp for sure.
Early in the morning I focused on sending love and especially fun into my day. Then throughout my day I said 'I love you' to myself in the bathroom mirror. And you know what? This low level of anxiety I have been feeling wasn't really a part of my day and it went rather nicely.
In music I again had a great time. Haha, emphasis on time. We discussed how we often view time in the sense of past, present, future. But really, today creates tomorrow and eventually tomorrow becomes yesterday, so when looking at time we should start at the present and look to what this will create in the future and how this will look in the past. But it's all relative.
Today I asked Shaneeks Berta (a guide I met in meditation yesterday) to help me find a friend that held the same vibration of love and healing that I hold. I went out to the quad and Sara, a chill girl in most of my classses, invited me to sit with her and her roommate Molly (possibly queer?) from New Hampshire. It was a really nice lunch outside in the sun with some decent dj music, most of the over played stuff from summer though so we laughed about that.
One thing I loved about my day was that I wasn't looking for a romantic interests (which I seem to find myself doing often lately). Instead I filled myself with love and focused on just enjoying the time I spent with myself, wherever that happened to be. I also sought to see others for the light they shone. Knowing that Mercury is in retrograde for the next three weeks I am taking very serious caution to not engage in new activities, including romance. The pressure if off ans I like it because I can just enjoy the day and focus my energy on the creative ways I choose to make bliss around me.
Today I found out that Amanda in Latin origin means she who must be loved. It is also Sanskirt in origin and means active, bright. This made me think of a retreat in Santa Cruz in which we each gave an adjetive for ourseles begining with the same first letter of our name. I chose Atomic Amanda. I happened to be wearing a bright red sweatshirt too. Amanda in India is used as a male name. Ha! More androgyny, I love it. It also makes me feel like the connection I feel to India isn't a complete sham.
Anways, I spent my break fixing my schedule officially, fixing my clicker id in botany an answering emails. I felt so accomplished and was proud of myself for not bringing herb to smoke on the back trails, which I sometimes do on breaks.
During interpretation today we formed the group we will camp and share meals with on our field trip to Oregon. I am way excited. My group is all my favorite people- all people I get bi/lesbian vibes from, well we are the vegetarian group. Hannah (who I think has a crush on me), Sara (who I had lunch today with), Emily (my botany study budy) and Vanessa (the one I would actually try to jump if I were interested). But since this field trip coincides with mercury retrograde I am stepping back from any amorous feelings. Plus that complicates things. I can't help feel that I'm the glue holding all these random people together.
We worked on my topic of sea turtles to make it a theme and it helped me pinpoint what I want to talk about, but I still don't have a theme. So far I have: Sea turtles, the wise wanderers of the water world. Bleh. But don't worry I'll come up with something spectacular.
Emily and I sat in the quad after interp and worked on botany flashcards. She couldn't keep focus though and mostly we talked about past relationships and where we're coming from. But luckily I am not interested in romance at the moment so I felt like the pressure was off. I am amazed at how much more comfortable I feel when I don't let emotions or hopeful intentions get in the way.
On the way home I stopped at my favorite burrito place and had a couple of beers while I studied more botany. I love that place and would love working there...
I made a collage last night by the way. It was fun doing something artsy.
okay so i've been slacking on my daily writing. but i have actually written some things, they just weren't posted here or as part of my new inspiring book.
anyways, today i just wanted to get it out there how lovely today was. at first i was kinda paranoid about getting the house clean while the leonards (my new housemates) were at a blues festival. i had to remind myself that i have all the time i need. then they dropped off the kids and i watched them alone for the first time. it went so smooth, i was amazed. zoe and lucus were so calm for like an hour and just enjoying being in the garden, then we started running around for a long time. after a wonderful afternoon outside we had dinner with just the three of us. when michelle and jeff came home they were in good spirits so that was also a relief. a relief after saturday being an intense day for some reason. i felt out of it and i think we were all having a hard time connecting. i think the best way to describe it would be an eery (sp?) silence. but like i said, today was much better. and again the weather was absolutely beautiful, total sunshine. at the moment i planned on paying a hundred dollars a month for food and utilities but i'm going to ask if i help out more, like with cooking, then i could do a complete work exchange. eh, we'll see.
that's really all i wanted to say. sorry it's all in one big paragraph.
This adventure really is about finding the love and admiration I have for the divine within me. As I moved from place to place on this earth, I felt a new understanding of myself and the landscape I found myself in. There was a great sense of confusion on my part as to what life was really all about. The randomness didn’t make much sense. The horrible acts human leashed out to another seemed horrendous. I couldn’t understand because only someone who didn’t remember the core essence of their being could act in such a way. Because those who remember the truth remember that we are all one and whatever I do unto another I do unto myself for I do it to God and I am that I speak of.
I guess my whole life I have been a free spirit. I have gone where I felt called, following the rhythm in my feet, guiding me to ever new experiences. And in this pearl necklace of many moments and may realms layered on top of another, I have come to learn to just be. To shine in my own radiance. This image of essence as a blue rose has always in some way or another served as a reminder that at my core I am a mystical light and unique expression of life and beauty. I stand as a symbol of love, as I embrace the eternal love around and within me.
My perception of the world has greatly changed compared to a few dark years ago. I find that what is around me is appropriate for my growth and understanding so whatever I encounter I simply accept and the next time I make a choice I know that I need to just keep on keeping on.
Today I felt completely surrounded by beautiful people. Now I wonder if I have always been around beautiful people and my perception has changed, or if I have attracted them to me. I’m betting on a combination cause these seem to be two universal laws to me.
I've decided to write my own book. Each day I am going to add something new to it. I hope you enjoy!
The Adventures of a Blue Rose on Gaia.
So here I find myself on a planet of mostly ocean and I feel that we are the same proportion and we therefore are one. It is as if she is my twin sister, the one whom I look at when I look down into that deep pool of reflection.
I have found the color blue soothes me. It rejuvenates me. It mystifies me. It calls to me. All shades of blue really, from the Carribean blue seas to deep midnight blues illuminated by a full moon. When that silvery sheen hits my heart it’s like a harp song forever repeated deep within my chest. And so I do not fear vulnerability to share with you that I once fell into the deepest kinda blue one could imagine. In fact it turned a bit muddy. But only out of the best loam can the most beautiful new life begin.
I suppose this story starts when I moved from Santa Rosa to Roseville. Yes it does seem fictional that both places I have lived contain the word rose but it is true.
it's been sooo long since i posted last. let's see nothing major has happened- just moving to humboldt! i think transferring here was the best decision i've ever made. everyone is so kind and real. it's very refreshing. i can't believe how many people want to just get together and talk about making the world a better place. in roseville it was pretty rare to find people interested in talking about the new earth but here it seems more people are conscious of what's really going on in the chaos.
on thursday i went to a groundation concert. they're a reggae band but they did a tribute to bob marley. absolutely fucking amazing. the vibes in the place were off the chain. the lead singer was like a white reincarnated bob marley. and the drummer came all the way from jamaica. leo "horse fire" wallace played with bob marley and the wailers plus burning spear. without him reggae probably wouldn't be as popular today as it is. everyone was dancing and providing great energy. i don't think i've ever danced that intimately with such a large of people before. at some points it was such like ripples were sent through the crowd. and i've decided i love people with dreds because when they brush across your face while dancing it's incredibly sexy.
yesterday i had an interview for a summer job with an outdoors/waterfront ymca camp. it went really well and i ended up getting a position as a one-on-one counselor for special needs campers. it's something that i've always wanted to do and i'm super excited about being outdoors all summer.
i switched my major from env sci: eco restoration to natural resources planning and interpretation. so far i love all my classes, except maybe math. i have one professor for two classes and he's quite a hoot. one of the classes, "inscape and landscape" he's stopped lecturing and 2-3 students a day give presentations relating how nature has been a part of their lives. basically we get up their and tell our life stories. it's really interesting to see that we all have unique experiences with nature. the papers we have to write are designed to explore our "inscape" personal reflections and inquiries on the "landscape", the natural world. one of them we sit in nature for an hour in stillness and then write about what we saw, heard, felt. we also have a discussion once a week for two hours to discuss books we're reading in the class. the books so far have been excellent and thought provoking.
last night i went to my first all lesbian party. i was invited my a friend i made in botany and although she's spent the night at my house already i don't know if we're couple material. she's a cool person and all, but eh the sparks aren't flying like i'd like. anyways, she had to leave the party way early in order to get up early. there were sooo many hot girls and i got to dance with most of them! most people were chill and i didn't notice any drama. it was just some fine looking people having a crazy dance party. i felt no pressure or jealousy floating around.
oh, i'm also taking yoga and i love my instructor! she really explores every fiber of our bodies, breathing and stretching every tight muscle. we also do a lot of releasing through sound which i swear makes all the difference in the world.
i think that was everything i wanted to talk about.
i'm stuck in between this place and i'm going nowhere
i've realized the darkness and imbalance i've created, but i can only hope with this renewed virgours dedication to new life i can still the turmoil and confusion withn.
to release me obsessions and detatch from substance to find the greater source within me. it's like i've felt that my actions are congrugent with my goal but i've finally awoken to see that all along i've been harming myself. and though i know all is for learning, how much could i have been learning and when did decide that was on my path for such a long time.
and so i move foward into the unknown. i pray that i am not to hard on myself and i can balance more easily. i am frustrated that i played the role of victim for so long and prevented myself from opening up to my higher self and to god. i hope that the damage is not irreversible. i know it is the will of god for ascension to happen, but everyone at different rates. all along i thought i was on a fast track but didn't realize i was trying to cheat. and now i see i have been going in the opposite direction. and so i sit here tonight, completely vulnerable and exposed, ready to embrace a new life. i don't even know hwere it's going. if moving to humboldt is right. if studying environmental science is what i want to do. it seems like controlling my thoughts is a full time job in itself. lord help me to be gentle and patient. but help me to remember my frustrastion and desire for claity.
and so i am on a mission to detatch from everything in my life i don't need. i just want to get rid of it and donate it all to good will.
oh and cleaning my windows as a symbolic act.
random, i know. but more for myself than anyone else.